Lemons in Life

One hand was under the pillow and the other went snoozing the alarm , rushed for the shower and forgetting the towel outside as always , struggled in the traffic and now glued to the screen , taking innumerable calls with the oh so formal tone of -"ya tell me " and as the hour hand dates the number 6 Neer is dragging herself back home , looking at the TV screen with little enthusiasm , a little cribbing and some jocularity.The day has ended and the lights are off with a feeling of demanding change.She doses off to sleep and not knowing what she had asked for.

Neer was in her early twenties and kind of liked her work though at the back of her mind she always thought about being somewhere else or being something more rather than the clear sketch in front of her.Why not a painting full of colors which could laugh all the time.

Her boss calls her up and the next moment she is sitting in a tense room and the faces are gloomy.Its not you its the organisation which has failed everyone.It still amazes me why Neer was not upset?She sat quietly there and she had nothing to say.In the next moment some warm hugs were exchanged and she was walking out with her stuff in her back pack.Today the Metro station was not crowded as the office hours had not started and she came in an almost empty one.As she was coming out she bought herself a cream roll , it used to be her favorite childhood ,her father used to buy her one after every 10 on 10 score.May be she was missing him.

She sat on the stairs and her calmness intrigued me.For some time she scrolled through her contact list in her phone even when she knew whom she wanted to call up.He did not answer her phone , must have been busy in the office , sometimes we look for comfort and the kind of love we want from the same place where we gave it.It took her a lot of time to understand that though.She could not call her best friend as she had assumed they could not understand each other.She could not call her close friend because he had chosen his priorities.She could not call her mother as she was suffering from an unidentified health problem which kept her only in pain.She could not call her brother as he was in the hospital.Without her notice one tear rolled down her cheek from her right eye and then for some time everything was blurred.She looked at her watch and it was late.Picking up her bag she walked straight wondering whether she was lonely or alone.

We plan our lives , what for ? We invest our emotions in certain relations again for what? I don't have clear answers but I do know these questions surface when things fall apart ,when we expect a linear equation but an expression comes up , when the loop does not iterate as expected.

We will always make certain choices , our minds will run into numerous imaginations , we will run after broken dreams and yes life will fail us but we have to win it back , always . When life throws lemons at you make lemonade , pickles or a tart  , no one cares the essence is to use the lemon even when you know it is sour.

Neer started re-reading the books she had always loved , for hours she used to be with different kinds of Music , some days capturing life around and some days so engrossed in her cooking as if her first love.Many evenings she used to be lost in her own world lying of the carpet gazing at the moon through the only window in her room.She looks into the  mirror to find a beautiful woman as the girl bids her adieu.In Italian its called 'dolce far niente ' - the sweetness of doing nothing.She has a little saving and she keeps on wondering of buying a ticket and just leave from the back door into the wilderness to smell the roses , run on the sand , talking to strangers and eating what she craves for .

I don't know whether Neer bought that ticket or not but she did have a certain glow on her face , may be it was love of another kind as she embraced her inner happiness

When I am There ...

I am there listening to your pain

Taking it in, falling asleep with it

Your eyes are rainy, without a waterfall

Give me the unrest  , and walk tall

Blank is the paper, let me ink it, even though it is a crumpled one

Let me write the poems you have waited for or the prose forgone

It is not a gamble; you win even when you lose as nothing is ever lost

Time and space have stories to tell but you listen to your core

Sometimes love can’t be just three words

It surrounds you everywhere when I am there

I said to Myself

There are days when I think of him and when I think of him I am smiling mildly, playing with my own soul or there are tickles under the feet as if somebody is romancing with the feather.

These feelings got words which came in a flow when i was lying in my bed and falling in love with the night lamp as it created a beautiful dance of light and shadow in the room.

I said to myself , "I don't know what will I say when you will hold my breath and my eyes will close just to know you more ...just to find you even closer .... perhaps it will rain ... drenching us in love ... I will cry so deep to know my happiness ... I will fall in your arms to know my strength .... eyes will open and you won't be gone ... it’s the joy ..to be found and I won't be lost again ..."

I feel like I am holding a dandelion sometimes, each floret carrying a thought with a different symphony ,steering with the breeze as it enchants it with its inconspicuous presence.

Scars & Memories

We were returning from a very interactive evening as much of the plans had flopped and what had really worked for us was talking .In one of those rare quiet moments he moved his finger on my scar, which sits with a loud elegance on my right hand. Well next what happened is so conspicuous that it doesn’t need a mention. I went on telling him the whole story of where, what and how.

For me scars have always been the tangible link which would transport me directly to those intangible memories. They fill me with squeaky laughter, tomato red shame and a sadness which I am yet to give words, it is as if I am running towards something and I know it is smiling at me but I just never catch it. It is faintly mine and not whole. They are such a true reminder of who you were what you did and that everything has changed around you, even your skin which carries it.

I have never tried to hide my scars, but I do see people hiding them .Are they not beautiful, are they not a part of you? They are the subtle signs of courage, curiosity and the big explorer in you. The super hero in you with those flying in the air stunts or the fidgety Philip on the dining table and yes of course the incredible feeling to cook something on your own at the expense of hot oil spilling, diving in the oven directly or the bad knife who did not treat you well .That was childhood all about and the child inside is each day ready to create more memories.

As the gentleman dropped me home, I sealed a memory without a scar but who said scars are only skin deep?

L . O . V . E - something on it

They created everything from oxygen to concrete structures but they could not create love between two people because it sprouts up unknowingly as a seed which had fallen deep inside the earth and we don’t know when. When it starts to bloom the fruits come out to quench the hunger of the human soul , flowers come out to pacify the beauty of life but each branch carries its own share of thorns or the unwanted pain which we term as  ‘it’s complicated’ in our daily lives . Why do we hide from the thorns? They will always exist as they are the learnings of this life to evolve us .But sometimes some of us don’t want to learn and we question the pain and the plan. Are we fools then? Honestly we are not fools then but are attached and attracted to our own plan. But as it is supposed to be more interesting and less predictable we go through these experiences.

Each day I realize that this abstract feeling has no ruler or control magnet. It’s not perfect, people who fall in for it are not perfect and neither are their situations but it is because it does not happen in a laboratory under the controlled parameters so that we expect the desired results. The results come out unexpected and each day it is as beautifully uncertain as its true nature.

Callow or Mature ?

Who saves what? People always talk about being callow and being mature but I never really got it. Sometimes it was about suppressing what you actually feel and what you really want to say, the kinds who have achieved this are called mature. They know when to shut up and turn around. They do all this for the bigger good. I still don’t see where this ‘good’ is even though it is supposed to be visualized as an elephant. They say even a child can blurt out the truth but it takes a man of manner to keep the laces tight. Then why children are happier? Carefree to the world and even make better friends because they don’t suppress anything.

Is it a lifelong punishment to pretend or maturity is about being bind to the rules of dharma? Does taking the path of callowness an easy choice and if it’s comfortable to speak your mind is it a sin? Or is it that some people do what they like and some people make the sacrifices and hence the world is balanced because if we all sacrificed who will be gratified from the sacrifices and if we all went blunt who will bring the order?

This thought came to my mind thinking of our usual Hindi films climax when two friends /brothers fell in love with the same girl or vice versa and both of them now get themselves confused in the cycle of maturity and immaturity and completely forgetting about their love interest (what she/he wants nobody cares that time). Both get in the fight to stand on the higher moral grounds.

I think it is blasphemous to ponder about the love triangle because each vertices is more concerned about their own Karma …love takes the back seat.

PS : Playing each role has its own pleasures :)

When we Meet

You are as lost as I am in this world
But still we invoke that peace in each other
We hear our silences
Do you know why ?


You see my scars as I feel your pain
But still we glow again
You heal me as I heal you
Do you know why?


For those moments I feel full
Not just a cup full to the brim
But the eternity in me as you stand by
Do you know why?

The stars are here beside me
As we play in the cosmic energy
It never ends till 'Time' tells us to say goodbye
Do you know why?

They copulate but we contemplate
None is higher but we still weep
As reality comes by and we part by
Do you still know why?


PS: Healer its for you