I said to Myself

There are days when I think of him and when I think of him I am smiling mildly, playing with my own soul or there are tickles under the feet as if somebody is romancing with the feather.

These feelings got words which came in a flow when i was lying in my bed and falling in love with the night lamp as it created a beautiful dance of light and shadow in the room.

I said to myself , "I don't know what will I say when you will hold my breath and my eyes will close just to know you more ...just to find you even closer .... perhaps it will rain ... drenching us in love ... I will cry so deep to know my happiness ... I will fall in your arms to know my strength .... eyes will open and you won't be gone ... it’s the joy ..to be found and I won't be lost again ..."

I feel like I am holding a dandelion sometimes, each floret carrying a thought with a different symphony ,steering with the breeze as it enchants it with its inconspicuous presence.

Scars & Memories

We were returning from a very interactive evening as much of the plans had flopped and what had really worked for us was talking .In one of those rare quiet moments he moved his finger on my scar, which sits with a loud elegance on my right hand. Well next what happened is so conspicuous that it doesn’t need a mention. I went on telling him the whole story of where, what and how.

For me scars have always been the tangible link which would transport me directly to those intangible memories. They fill me with squeaky laughter, tomato red shame and a sadness which I am yet to give words, it is as if I am running towards something and I know it is smiling at me but I just never catch it. It is faintly mine and not whole. They are such a true reminder of who you were what you did and that everything has changed around you, even your skin which carries it.

I have never tried to hide my scars, but I do see people hiding them .Are they not beautiful, are they not a part of you? They are the subtle signs of courage, curiosity and the big explorer in you. The super hero in you with those flying in the air stunts or the fidgety Philip on the dining table and yes of course the incredible feeling to cook something on your own at the expense of hot oil spilling, diving in the oven directly or the bad knife who did not treat you well .That was childhood all about and the child inside is each day ready to create more memories.

As the gentleman dropped me home, I sealed a memory without a scar but who said scars are only skin deep?

L . O . V . E - something on it

They created everything from oxygen to concrete structures but they could not create love between two people because it sprouts up unknowingly as a seed which had fallen deep inside the earth and we don’t know when. When it starts to bloom the fruits come out to quench the hunger of the human soul , flowers come out to pacify the beauty of life but each branch carries its own share of thorns or the unwanted pain which we term as  ‘it’s complicated’ in our daily lives . Why do we hide from the thorns? They will always exist as they are the learnings of this life to evolve us .But sometimes some of us don’t want to learn and we question the pain and the plan. Are we fools then? Honestly we are not fools then but are attached and attracted to our own plan. But as it is supposed to be more interesting and less predictable we go through these experiences.

Each day I realize that this abstract feeling has no ruler or control magnet. It’s not perfect, people who fall in for it are not perfect and neither are their situations but it is because it does not happen in a laboratory under the controlled parameters so that we expect the desired results. The results come out unexpected and each day it is as beautifully uncertain as its true nature.

Callow or Mature ?

Who saves what? People always talk about being callow and being mature but I never really got it. Sometimes it was about suppressing what you actually feel and what you really want to say, the kinds who have achieved this are called mature. They know when to shut up and turn around. They do all this for the bigger good. I still don’t see where this ‘good’ is even though it is supposed to be visualized as an elephant. They say even a child can blurt out the truth but it takes a man of manner to keep the laces tight. Then why children are happier? Carefree to the world and even make better friends because they don’t suppress anything.

Is it a lifelong punishment to pretend or maturity is about being bind to the rules of dharma? Does taking the path of callowness an easy choice and if it’s comfortable to speak your mind is it a sin? Or is it that some people do what they like and some people make the sacrifices and hence the world is balanced because if we all sacrificed who will be gratified from the sacrifices and if we all went blunt who will bring the order?

This thought came to my mind thinking of our usual Hindi films climax when two friends /brothers fell in love with the same girl or vice versa and both of them now get themselves confused in the cycle of maturity and immaturity and completely forgetting about their love interest (what she/he wants nobody cares that time). Both get in the fight to stand on the higher moral grounds.

I think it is blasphemous to ponder about the love triangle because each vertices is more concerned about their own Karma …love takes the back seat.

PS : Playing each role has its own pleasures :)

When we Meet

You are as lost as I am in this world
But still we invoke that peace in each other
We hear our silences
Do you know why ?


You see my scars as I feel your pain
But still we glow again
You heal me as I heal you
Do you know why?


For those moments I feel full
Not just a cup full to the brim
But the eternity in me as you stand by
Do you know why?

The stars are here beside me
As we play in the cosmic energy
It never ends till 'Time' tells us to say goodbye
Do you know why?

They copulate but we contemplate
None is higher but we still weep
As reality comes by and we part by
Do you still know why?


PS: Healer its for you

That Aimless Walk

A road ahead and some footsteps behind
Why I travelled so far I don’t remember now
Still I walk by in the glory of my Cow

One day   a creeper and for another I stand tall
Which is better I don’t know as they cut them all
And so is the funny game as even the cutter dies small

So much to hear and so much to bear
But do I listen at all?
It’s a doom without a fall

Looking in the mirror a question is asked
What did I lose behind?
A fragment of manner or the tussle of thoughts

Many times I see her with half a smile
Never knowing what she thinks of me
Blank I go with her in this mile for a while

Loner & Rose

Sometimes we are so oblivious to the love around us that we let that beautiful Rose die. The death is suicidal or a murder who cares or does it even matter because now it’s not there.

Who is at fault? The Loner lost in what he ever wanted and not knowing what he actually needed or that innocent Rose who just bloomed for others to be happy and in the very least an eye of appreciation.

The Rose did bleed with wounds many a times as the Loner kept it with him but never looked at it. Its mere existence was a fallacy. As life is a color or rather changing colors and so was the rose and so were his wounds. The loner could not see those wounds present as he hardly got the time from shuttling from his past and the future. Is ignorance really a bliss??

Is Loner a bad person? Who knows about that and who are we to judge that but then why do we see the Rose as a victim.

We all have been the Loner as well as the Rose at some point of time because life is fair and we are sitting in a whirligig. Still somehow I feel don’t let the Rose die as how many of the Loners are lucky to have a blossom in their garden of loneliness.

PS: Present is present to feel it

Anthology

A smile full of doubts

A dream with no catcher

A blue with no white

A song with no lyrics

A walk with no aim

A death with no cause

A hunger with no end

A beauty with no admirer

An ambit with no range

And a closed mind looking at the open window and asking himself which one is real?

A certain Someone ...a certain Something ..

Ouch just missed my connecting flight and now what do I do? Yes of course there is plenty of staff to help me out with the situation but there happened to be a gentleman beside me with whom I had shared a nodding conversation because half the time I could not hear what he was saying. As a gentleman he stayed there till things were sorted out and then we both parted our ways with a smile and with a common question –Are you on Facebook?

 Today when I look back what I remember is a person whom I had barely noticed as I was too eager to be back home and was just pleased by his gesture. But something changed and I don’t know how much and for how long after we met again as I happened to be in his city. It was twilight and he picked me up to head towards a Café which I had wished to visit. The time went by with some uncomfortable and beautiful moments as I see it. We had dinner and he dropped me back to my place. As I closed the door I asked myself what kind of an evening it was? I had no category to put it into. To understand it I met him again. This time it was even worse as I got so nervous that I kept on adjusting my shawl and the bag which I was carrying and he kept on asking me what are you thinking and where are you lost. A flushed night it was but he could not understand it, unfortunately neither could I.

 Sometimes some people come in your life and you don’t understand your emotions towards them but when you see them you just want to hear them because it soothes your turmoil and even if it is just for a moment you want to be held in those arms with closed eyes and know that everything is going to be fine. You don’t really care what language they speak, what they eat or where they belong to and where they are heading to, all you see is a beautiful heart which beats inside them. And while you think and write about it they are snug in their own world spreading more calmness; unaware of your flutters.

First Times are Forever

We all have gone through many a times a boring day (literally, when even facebook is also not all that fun), think about those moments which after being calibrated as your first, even if something happens similar; won’t be like your first ones as they have frozen there in your incomprehensible brain, even if they have gone a little blurry but they are still their making you icky, sometimes red with laughter or shame or just plain quiet; that’s the magic they hold.

Do you remember the first day at college (we won’t start with school, that’s the age of heavenly innocence), your first bike ride? First time you won something and solely on your own efforts and an audience clapping for you, can you still hear it? Isn’t it wonderful? The day you paid your own fees and the day you made your first bank account. The day cable TV came home and the day family got a car. The day you got insulted in public and felt too low to even think of rising up again. The day someone told you that you are their best friend, the day you first sat in a plane and the day you missed a train. The day you made your ‘orkut’ account and then never looked back and the day you got your first laptop. A first family trip and a first night out. The first time you liked someone and the night of waiting to know their reply and the first time you said no. A first disc experience and a first drunk experience. The day you travelled alone and checked if you have your ticket numerous times and people kept on calling you and telling you not to talk to strangers.

Days are many to remember and you won’t even know how your day passed but one thing I have learnt from life that if something could not become your first time then don’t lose heart and hope because it’s true that there is always a next time , a better or not we don’t know but something it holds to add to your moments.